Here's to starting a new year with hopes and aspirations, and facing what was denied, my wishes and dreams.
I wanted to be a writer, so many years ago, that was a dream, a big dream that I felt down to my toes. And sadly, I fell influence to a greater power - and that would be a parent who always does tell you what to do. I didn't know how to do otherwise, so I did what she wanted but it was all wrong, it didn't fit, so badly it didn't fit. The desire continued to live so I kept aiming myself not really knowing how to make it happen. What I loved most about writing was how the words came to me, as if I was being fed lines by someone offstage. There was a connection, incomprehensible back then but something I've come to know getting older. It's being connected. And then I wasn't.
There's something people don't often understand, that when it comes to desire, many of us don't know how to make it happen, we just have our dream. And the ways we deal with it is to have the wish, the desire, and keep longing for it, desperately wanting it, but not taking steps to achieve it because we simply don't know how. So, we skirt around it. Luckily, I found jobs working in public relations, that I thought would expose me to writing, and then advertising, hoping maybe copywriting, and kept jumping from job to job hoping that one path would send me in the direction of my desire. And you know, strangely, I did get a few jobs that entailed a bit of writing but because I was young and naive I walked away from them. My hand played in those losses, they are my deepest and most painful regrets because they were right within reach, I just didn't know it. That's what comes from denial, whether forced or voluntary, deny what you feel and you won't recognize it when it appears before you. And life started spiraling down after that. Tried to fix what I broke thinking maybe there's be a chance for a do-over, but you know, there never is. Once gone...well, this isn't about that agony.
So for years there was the torture because screwing up became an art and nothing worked out quite right. The time has come to face the loss, and the truth. What I do like, what I'd like to do, where I'd like to go, and what I'd like to expect from my life. For the past two years I've been writing on q&a forums, just putting words down for answers - it has felt wonderful and while sometimes frustrating, it's still satisfying to take words and put them together to express a point. It's a great thing. And art, making art, creating beauty, well it doesn't get any better than that. Making art kits for children - my brain actually wants to leap in the air at the thought of it, it's fun, satisfying and sharing gifts for children to learn.
So, universe, if you are listening hear my call, that if this now is the new time and new world I'd like to create again with all these things in it, I think you know now that it may be something I would accept and appreciate. I'm sending an apology to the universe for all the opportunities I missed, for all the arguments I had when being pushed, and for not trusting. I just wish I had the knowledge and hadn't screwed it up so badly but being naive and inexperienced is my only excuse. It is certainly humbling to realize that one is responsible for the big screwups and I hope for forgiveness and understanding and a little compassion to clear the way for something good to happen. It's a bit like a dance how fate and desire come upon each other - they may dance back and forth missing each other like balls on a pool table, bouncing off walls and missing completely until someone with experience knows how to apply a little English. Forgive me for I was a stupid kid and completely lost and without a clue to find my way. Who just wanted to try, and now in these times when I've lost and gained so much, I'd like to find a way to do these things. If you please, I'd be most grateful.
That's my sentiment for the new year. I'm grateful for everything, even the crap, the heartache, and the loss, and now I'd like to do what I do. And I'd like to dance a little.
I wanted to be a writer, so many years ago, that was a dream, a big dream that I felt down to my toes. And sadly, I fell influence to a greater power - and that would be a parent who always does tell you what to do. I didn't know how to do otherwise, so I did what she wanted but it was all wrong, it didn't fit, so badly it didn't fit. The desire continued to live so I kept aiming myself not really knowing how to make it happen. What I loved most about writing was how the words came to me, as if I was being fed lines by someone offstage. There was a connection, incomprehensible back then but something I've come to know getting older. It's being connected. And then I wasn't.
There's something people don't often understand, that when it comes to desire, many of us don't know how to make it happen, we just have our dream. And the ways we deal with it is to have the wish, the desire, and keep longing for it, desperately wanting it, but not taking steps to achieve it because we simply don't know how. So, we skirt around it. Luckily, I found jobs working in public relations, that I thought would expose me to writing, and then advertising, hoping maybe copywriting, and kept jumping from job to job hoping that one path would send me in the direction of my desire. And you know, strangely, I did get a few jobs that entailed a bit of writing but because I was young and naive I walked away from them. My hand played in those losses, they are my deepest and most painful regrets because they were right within reach, I just didn't know it. That's what comes from denial, whether forced or voluntary, deny what you feel and you won't recognize it when it appears before you. And life started spiraling down after that. Tried to fix what I broke thinking maybe there's be a chance for a do-over, but you know, there never is. Once gone...well, this isn't about that agony.
So for years there was the torture because screwing up became an art and nothing worked out quite right. The time has come to face the loss, and the truth. What I do like, what I'd like to do, where I'd like to go, and what I'd like to expect from my life. For the past two years I've been writing on q&a forums, just putting words down for answers - it has felt wonderful and while sometimes frustrating, it's still satisfying to take words and put them together to express a point. It's a great thing. And art, making art, creating beauty, well it doesn't get any better than that. Making art kits for children - my brain actually wants to leap in the air at the thought of it, it's fun, satisfying and sharing gifts for children to learn.
So, universe, if you are listening hear my call, that if this now is the new time and new world I'd like to create again with all these things in it, I think you know now that it may be something I would accept and appreciate. I'm sending an apology to the universe for all the opportunities I missed, for all the arguments I had when being pushed, and for not trusting. I just wish I had the knowledge and hadn't screwed it up so badly but being naive and inexperienced is my only excuse. It is certainly humbling to realize that one is responsible for the big screwups and I hope for forgiveness and understanding and a little compassion to clear the way for something good to happen. It's a bit like a dance how fate and desire come upon each other - they may dance back and forth missing each other like balls on a pool table, bouncing off walls and missing completely until someone with experience knows how to apply a little English. Forgive me for I was a stupid kid and completely lost and without a clue to find my way. Who just wanted to try, and now in these times when I've lost and gained so much, I'd like to find a way to do these things. If you please, I'd be most grateful.
That's my sentiment for the new year. I'm grateful for everything, even the crap, the heartache, and the loss, and now I'd like to do what I do. And I'd like to dance a little.
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